I started a 5-week temp job in March, with just 6 weeks remaining in my semester at school. Today starts my 13th week, which is surprising (though entirely welcome).
During this busy stint, I have neglected a lot in my life: this blog, for one. Nutrition. Sleep. Exercise. I still took care of my family (and my family took care of me), but the self-care was lacking in a bad way.
With this lack of self-care came an excess of eating out, eating candy, and eating junk like nobody’s business (not to mention a whole lot of grumpiness). I wonder if I even ate a vegetable in April or May that wasn’t in the form of a french fry?
What I didn’t forego during this time period is my emotional work. I have a history of binge eating, and I’ve been trying to get to the root of it. Because I know better. I know what makes my body feel good–Paleo + 8-9 hours of sleep + sunshine + a little movement. When knowledge is power, why isn’t my knowledge enough? Why does knowledge skip power and turn into a cycle of guilt and shame and remorse and binge?
As I was going through the drive-thru of my Taco Bell, it hit me. Knowledge is not enough (for me, at least). If it were, I wouldn’t want to eat one of these:
Yes, you are looking at that picture properly. It is a Doritos Locos Tacos. And if it wasn’t laden in dairy, soy, and gluten (all things my nursing daughter reacts poorly to), I would have eaten my body weight in them.
Why? Why?! WHY?!?!
Logically, I know there is nothing nutritionally redeeming about this food-like substance. But that is not enough to stop me. The thought of my baby writhing in pain for a couple of days stopped me…barely.
I’m certain this isn’t simply an error in my personal make-up. I suspect there are many other people who struggle with this. You know better, but the body is weak (or mind or something else or both). Once I accepted this as my reality–that knowing better isn’t enough to make me choose properly every moment of the day–I felt surprisingly relieved. I still want a Doritos Locos Tacos, but I’m not feeling quite so guilty about it.
Vibrant Sexy Strong 
I suppose it’s the same reason why Monday – Friday (until dinner time), I eat pretty healthy, trying to go towards the paleo-route.. but come Friday night, it’s Pizza and Wine. Usually followed by ice-cream.. like the healthy eating all week justifies binging on the weekends? I don’t know.
And BTW.. those Doritos tacos aren’t all they’re hyped up to be 😉
Sadly, yes they are. But man, I can definitely relate to this article.
Thanks for helping me feel a little bit more normal!
I agree. I live for the weekends…but then I die on the weekends! And glad to know those Doritos aren’t so awesome. I am looking at the signs a little less longingly every time I drive by now 🙂
I have been ordering burritos in a bowl (when I do succumb to the evils of fast food). I feel a bit less unhealthy avoiding the tortilla..
Oh, man. You are speakin’ my language, woman.
It’s hard to un-know things. For instance, it would be wonderful not to know how horrible gluten and sugar is for your body, particularly when you’re baking a copycat recipe of Otis Spunkmeyer Sugar Cookies that a new mom requested you bake for them.
Also, when your spouse still eats things like Big Macs, Taco Bell, and Jimmy John’s. He has the kindness not to eat it in front of me, but when I’m going over our bank statements, I get nasty food cravings.
Hang in there. You’ve been such an imputation to so many. But don’t feel like you have to be perfect all the time. Slipping up makes you relatable, since we all do it from time to time!
*inspiration, not imputation. Autocorrect!!! *Shakes fist*
Haha, I just looked up imputation and still don’t know how to use it in a sentence. Autocorrect is so much smarter than me 😉
Thank you for putting that into words for me-it’s hard to un-know things. Good luck with the spouse; it’s awesome that you are both so supportive of one another. One thing that may help–we switched to cash-only. An unexpected benefit was that I don’t look through my statements with Papa John’s all over it. And wow, those cravings sure subside when I look in my wallet and see that I want to keep that extra $5 for…well, anything else.
I love what greatminus8 says above. “don’t feel like you have to be perfect all the time. Slipping up makes you relatable, since we all do it from time to time!”
I also love what you have to say…in that you’re being honest…not in that you’re having a hard time. I totally feel the same way. Of all times, I eat the worst when I’m pregnant. I’m sure people are looking at me going what in the world is she doing…she’s pregnant. I feel judged a lot but I think in truth, I’m judging myself. And, we both know that doesn’t do us any good…but as you say above, just knowing doesn’t mean we do anything about it 🙂 Okay, now I’m rambling but thank you again for your honesty and hanging in there. It’s a process. For those who can do it in one day, more power to them. For the rest of us humans, it’s a lifetime and possibly then some!
Sunny, so wise. I think you are right. There is a subset of people where we are often our harshest critics. Especially during pregnancy–the one time society openly suggests you eat more of all the wrong things. You hang in there, too.
And girl, if slipping makes me relatable, jumping off the wagon must make me the life of the party!
Rock on sister…you are the life of the party any day!!!
Don’t know if it will help, but this video — The Pleasure Trap — really resonated with me recently (and I had two longer lapses than I’d have liked since January). The theory it’s our evolutionary imperative for survival … I’ve got a blog post in the works about it.
I haven’t had a chance to watch this yet, but it’s on the weekend docket. Thank you for sharing; the links you share (via blog, twitter, etc) typically resonate deeply with me. The thought of pleasure as survival? Very interested to learn more.
I feel your pain. The hardest thing for me to give up has been Taco Bell taco supremes. I don’t know why. I have not had any in so long I cannot remember the last time I ate one. It would darn near put me in the hospital to eat one now. I have noticed that the longer I eat clean, the more severe my reaction when I eat something I know I should not eat. Good luck on your journey!
Cavechic, thanks for your own experience. I think a taco supreme would throw me in the hospital too. Human beings can be such masochists 🙂